Research and Development by Some Sort of Dog Issue 6 of the newsletter RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT NUMBER 6 ---------- New Year 1996 ---------- ======================== Happy New Year to all our readers. Time to put away the decorations and hide the party balloons in case they come in handy some day. The Bumper Christmas Issue turned out to be the biggest yet, and it finally staggered out of here in two parts, plus an attachment which became detached somewhere along the way. Thanks to those who responded to our messages explaining what had happened, explaining what had happened! On, then, with 1996. It is the habit of editors to start the New Year with a review of the previous year's significant happenings. Usually, we've forgotten them all, which shows how significant they really were. For R & D, the most significant thing has been the constantly increasing number of readers, and that's a rarity among periodicals these days. It must be something to do both with being free of charge and having a world- wide circulation. To those who have joined us recently, as a result of personal recommendation, or by discovering the newsletter on Acotto's Place, welcome. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A TIME TO BE WRITING We'll try to keep you entertained, but do please write. You don't have to send stories: although we all need to remember, while they're usually a pleasure to read, SOMEONE has to write them. Every little item helps to fill your newsletter with interest. Just think, even your most random thoughts and recollections are of interest to somebody. This may be a good time to repeat something we wrote last year. It may be that you have something to write; but you are put off by lack of confidence in your writing skills, your spelling or punctuation, even your typing. You may not feel comfortable working in English. Don't let that stop you. If you would like somebody to run an eye over your work before you inflict it on an undeserving public, send it here. You will get an honest opinion. We can edit and tidy up any spelling or typing errors. We can even make the odd suggestion if you are stuck for an ending. Don't be shy! Letsbeigh Avenue, then. --------------------------------------------------------------------- LINGSTER GETS CROSS Remember a few months ago, we reviewed a couple of stories by Lingster the Great, at which time we said "he seems awfully aggressive and rather cross about something". That's the trouble with putting the newsletter in a public place, all manner of people get to read it! Now the man himself has written a most aggressive and cross- sounding message threatening that if we don't add him to the mailing list, he will write stories about women's breasts getting smaller. We took a unilateral decision on behalf of our readers. Welcome, Lingster! --------------------------------------------------------------------- THAT CONTEST! Did anyone get ten out of ten? Here's the list ... 1. The tiny, slim woman with the 18-inch waist who couldn't do up the buttons of her oversized size 42 flannel shirt was the eponymous ELLY. 2. More than a foot taller, and not quite as slim - but still an F cup - was Sally, from GROWTH. 3. The woman called Patty, with a problem in the toilets, was Patricia O'Brien who grew in church. The copy I have of this has no title apart from the filename, descrat.txt, although I understand it was called DESECRATOR 1. This poses the question, is there any more of it? Anyone? 4. Weighing tits by water displacement is a procedure which is very occasionally described, but the lady whose breasts weighed 100 pounds each was Ida from Part 2 of MORPHING IN THE 23RD DIMENSION. They eventually reached 300 feet long. Weird, or what? 5. Did anyone NOT recognise Kristine blowing up from NATURE'S HELPER, by Dr Enlarge? No-one's going to admit it, for sure. 6. The difficulty with including Art Miyako's HAIRCUT AT MADAM TWON'S - and it would have been very rude not to - was finding a paragraph which didn't make it too obvious. This "get-the- waggons-in-a-circle" sequence may have done just that, for some of you, at least. 7. "Ah, the wonders of spandex." You know you've read it somewhere. Award yourself a swig of the left-over three-star brandy if you said it was TOYS, from Andrew E. Sievert! The exclamation mark is part of the name, apparently. 8. Jessica's friend, the almost-exploding Terri comes from Johnny Swell's THE MAGIC RING, also known as ring2.txt. 9. Well, it was certainly St Cat's, but in which one of Editor Some Sort of Dog's episodes did Smegs have these bra problems? FOURTH FORM AT ST CAT'S is the answer. 10 We couldn't have managed without DR HOOTERS, so we chose the memorable but little-known Amanda's Hopscotch scene, created by Road Dog. As we said, just a bit of fun, but did anyone get them all? Let us know. Perhaps we could do this one again sometime, there's enough material out there. If any reader would like to compile the next one, send it in (with the right answers, please!) and the rest of us will be eternally grateful. You MUST include a scene from one of the Editor's stories, it goes without saying. If you haven't read any of the stories - and they are worth a dabble - they are available on the acotto ftp site OR (if they're not there) they can be requested by email from . Type the word HELP in the Subject: line to receive a help file, which will tell you how to get hold of a listing of the contents of the Louvre Smut Server. --------------------------------------------------------------------- IT MUST BE THE SPECIAL FRIED RICE We had a flood of replies from ghoulishly-inclined readers curious to get a look at a picture of Ting Jiafen, the Chinese 12-year old who is apparently in line for an entry in the Guiness Book of World Records with her 44-pound breasts. We promised a translation from the Finnish when it arrived. There were two articles. Here's a transcript of the first, from a magazine called HYMY (Smile) in its November issue. For the sake of those without access to a calculator, we have included conversions from the original Metric figures. GIANT BREASTS ON A 12-YEARS OLD GIRL Half a metre long, weighing over 20 kg (44 pounds) 12-years old Chinese girl Ting Jiafen is suffering from a rare illness - her breasts grew at an unprecedented rate to become the biggest in the world. And as they were STILL growing, the doctors had to remove them surgically. Ting Jiafen was leading a perfectly normal life for a little girl until last February, then strange things started to happen. Even before her periods had started, her breasts began their record-breaking growth. Within only six months each breast was 48cm (19 inches) long and 30cm (12 inches) wide, and weighed more than ten kilograms (22 pounds). With these measurements Ting easily beats the African woman mentioned in the Guinness Book of World records. You might think that no one would object to having big breasts. But for Ting, normal life was no longer possible after her breasts grew. Ting's breast muscles stretched 10cm (4 inches), and in the end she couldn't even move without the help of two (2) nurses to support her breasts. For Ting, life had become hard and uncomfortable. Ting's condition amazed the doctors. After throughly examining her, they found that the only abnormal thing about Ting's breasts was their enormous size. Their final diagnosis was simply "abnormal condition in mammary glands". As, despite their enormous size, her breasts continued to grow, the doctors had to carry out a radical removal operation. After the operation Ting can return to normal life. And when she grows up, the doctors have promised her that she can have silicone implants - that is if she still WANTS breasts after all she has gone through!" --------end of quote-------- And here's part of the translation of an article which appeared in another Finnish magazine "7 days". GIANT BREASTS GREW IN HALF A YEAR 12-year old Chinese Ting's twenty kilogram breasts almost broke her breastbone. "Until February, 12-year old Ting Jiafen was a perfectly normal little girl. Living in Southwest China, she developed just like other girls of her age. "By May, Ting's breasts were a little over the size of a fist, but they just wouldn't stop growing. 'Otherwise my daughter developed normally. Even her periods hadn't started', said Chen Guoxia, Ting's mother. "Two years earlier Ting had lost her ability to walk. After medical treatment her legs strengthened, and Ting was able to walk again. A year later Ting went temporarily blind, but recovered without treatment. "By August of this year, Ting's chest had grown enormously. Each of her breasts were 48 cm long and 30 cm thick and weighed ten kilos. Ting was in enormous pain and almost unable to move. She could only lie on her back with her breasts on each side. When Ting stood up, two nurses had to carry her breasts. Otherwise her breasts would have crushed Ting's breastbone with their weight. "The young lady was hospitalized, where they decided to operate on her. Ting's breast tissue was diagnosed as "abnormal". The operation went as planned, and Ting has fully recovered afterwards." --------end of quote-------- Apologies if we seem to be milking this story for all it's worth, but if you think about it for a moment; growth from the size of a fist to the size of shopping bags in just three months would be enough to bring screams of outraged disbelief from fiction readers, never mind reading it as a fact in a magazine. So, if you're one of those who refused to believe such all-natural fictional girls as Trudy and Tanya, think again. Three pictures were included. Only one was suitable for scanning, the others being photocopies. That photograph is obtainable from R & D Hindquarters, if you think you can stand it. --------------------------------------------------------------------- HUBBY SMOTHERED BY 52-INCH (132.08cm) WIFE Another readers passes along this cautionary tale from a US tabloid called the SUN as a possible inspiration to writers. "Those wishing to get the whole article should grab a copy of the December 25, 1995 issue of the SUN (they come out a week early where I live; I think they're printed near here)", he says. My 52" Bust Killed Hubby Smothered in Sleep by Implants "A man was killed when his stripper wife rolled over in bed and smothered him with her 52-inch breasts, which had been boosted by silicone implants. "The official cause of death was listed as suffocation. "Police say Lionel Reed, 33, apparently died within three minutes after his super-endowed wife accidentally turned over onto him as they slept. "'Mr Reed, a deep sleeper, never knew what hit him,' says Dr Joseph Forte. "'His life was snuffed out when his wife's mammoth breasts made it impossible for him to breathe.'" The article shows a photo of Dawn Reed, the stripper in question; the sweater she has on looks very good and under some stress. Perhaps I should try to track down newspapers in the area where the accident allegedly occurred, Fort Lauderdale, Florida. --------------------------------------------------------------------- MORE ABOUT MORGAN The story above brings back chilling memories of Chesty Morgan's film "Deadly Weapons", in which she uses her - perfectly natural - breasts to suffocate victims. There are worse ways to go. We made a passing mention of Ms Morgan last month, but it brought a response from a reader with fond memories. "Concerning Chesty Morgan, the following is from my memory and may not be completely correct: Stello is the surname of Dick Stello, a baseball umpire to whom Chesty Morgan was married for a time. If the biographical information from a GENT interview in 1973 (which was reprinted some years later; I saw the reprint) is accurate, that was her second marriage; her first husband died, and it was after she was widowed that she went into the exotic dance business. Said interview also mentions that she had two daughters, but I've never seen any photos of them, so I have no idea whether they, um, measure up to their mother. (Sigh.)" Anyone else remember? Being English, your editor can remember Ms Morgan (Lillian Stello) only from her films. For the movie buffs among us, these employed the little-known and under-appreciated technique of shallow focus; and sometimes, from memory, no focus at all. And any mention of baseball umpires unfailingly brings back Leslie Nielsen in "Naked Gun". Just as the song "Staying Alive" is now unshakeably connected with "Airplane". --------------------------------------------------------------------- ALL THOSE MOVIES Last month we published a review of instances of BE in films and television. Much of the material in the article forms part of an FAQ produced for and on behalf of the Balloon Buddies (and you can guess what they do). The FAQ is being updated even as we speak. Who knows, R & D readers may even find some examples not yet spotted by the Buddies' team of researchers, who bring together material from all over the Net. We extend an invitation to enthusiasts of inflation to contact the aptly- named . Meanwhile, people with nothing better to do than watch movies have been writing in with further examples. Here are a few more: "Thanks for the latest R&D! Because of you I even rented "Repossessed" and "Flesh Gorden 2"" "How about "DEATH BECOMES HER"? "In a scene early in the movie, an older woman drinks a magic potion to restore her youth. At one point during the transformation sequence, her breasts can be seen inflating and firming up (her butt goes through a similar process)." WITCH HUNT (c. 1995, HBO Pictures, starring Dennis Hopper)................ "A john at a magical whorehouse has the opportunity to customize his girl. After changing her hairstyle, he asks for "a bit more up top". The girl's breasts then grow slightly. The growth is very minor- she goes from about an A cup to a B cup- but the morphing effects involved are still pretty neat!" DUCKMAN "Anyone see that late-night cartoon called Duckman. Very sarcastic on today's society. Anyway, there's an episode where our hero, Duckman, starts to feel inadequate about the size of his bill, so he goes to a plastic surgeon to see about bill augmentation! While he's there for the consult, talking with the hack (I mean Doc), a woman in the background is hooked up to a pump (via her nipples, of course), and her breasts inflate to the size of the proverbial bean-bags, until the pressure blows the hose off and she flies away as her breast balloons deflate. Great fun for BE and inflatable lovers, both!" For some reason, this reminds us of the pair of ducks who went to an hotel for a night together, but found they didn't have a condom. For reasons of space and bandwidth we will cut to the punchline. The room service clerk said, "Shall I put it on your bill, sir?" And the duck said ... B.E. IN COMMERCIALS IN USA Channel #5 [sic] perfume has a new commercial that has a woman watching Marilyn Monroe in a movie theater. All of a sudden, she is sporting more cleavage *boing* and her hair turns blond. Great morph into Marilyn Monroe. With morphing techniques that we have available today, someone could make a great BE xxx movie! AND CULLED FROM ALT.SEX.BREAST >>"Back to the Future 2" Has the hero meeting an alternate timeline mother who has undergone breast enlargement surgery. It also has a "commercial" for breast enlargement running on the video-wall in the background of the future Marty house where the woman's breast grow (upper right corner of wall). --------------------------------------------------------------------- ONE WITH A WOODEN LEG? We appealed last month for a new character to help with a story based on one of the outlines in R & D recently. At least one suggestion was for us to include an Asian or Oriental girl. Well, we're no further forward with *that* story, but a new character, Rumiko, is about to make her appearance in the classrooms and laboratories of St Cat's. She's Japanese, of course. We can only hope she comes to no lasting harm, although from what we understand, big breasts are very popular in her home country. The response to this request of ours was encouraging. If anyone else would like to see something happen at St Cat's which has not happened before; a new situation, running gag or character; drop a line to Chauntaille at gspot@nildram.co.uk. You never know what might happen, when Chauntaille gets in the mood for interactivity. There was one unsolicited suggestion; at least, one assumes it was a suggestion. "Are the students at St Cat's ever examined by the school doctor and do they have their temperature taken using a rectal thermometer?" asked one earnest seeker after knowledge. If they did, would they tell ME? Perhaps. If they enjoyed the experience. --------------------------------------------------------------------- SUPERBUST SURVEY >From a reader in England comes this item which shows what can happen if you have time on your hands during the working day... "I did a completely unscientific analysis as to the number of huge breasted women in the UK. Here's my thinking.... Given that I have spotted regularly two (both easily under 40) superbusts in my town c.70,000 pop. and that for arguments sake, take the female pop as 50%. 35000 women of all ages. there are roughly say 25% that qualify as young/middle age women. That is 1 in 8750 For the whole UK the formula is SuperBust = ((Population/2) * (.25))/2. This gives a rather staggering figure of over 3,625,000! So that's why you never see these women with gigantic whoppers. They're all living in this bloke's home town. --------------------------------------------------------------------- BIG GIRL, EH? [This item was started before we had the full story, and readers can see how we added to it as we went along. Forgive us for not editing it down to size, but this shows the way it "just growed".] Those who don't have the means of checking out the images on acotto/pictures can sit this one out. Those who have may remember a fuzzy black and white picture titled . Just another morphed picture, hardly worth a second glance among the literally dozens of enhanced exotic dancers and models. In fact, it's a bit of a mystery why anyone should have bothered morphing this one at all. They didn't! Whoa, there. Back up a bit. You mean this slim girl-next-door with a cut-off white top pulled down to reveal about six inches of cleavage - who is supporting her breasts with both hands somewhere about the level of her lower stomach - is for real? Supporting her breasts which - at the level of her waist - are six inches wider than her hips? In your dreams, Sunshine! All we can say is, zoom in, friends. Zoom in on this big girl, then do the same trick with one of those morphed marvels. And see the difference! When you've done that, feel free to write in with your comments. Just for starters, though, a few convincing arguments: 1. Most morph artists use an existing photo of a well-known model or dancer. They are readily available by the thousand. This was probably scanned at home on a grey-scale el cheapo scanner. 2. The woman or girl, is an ordinary girl-next-door, not a professional model. She is somebody's wife or girlfriend. She is certainly somebody's daughter. In the opinion of some readers who have already taken part in the discussion, she is not particularly attractive. We beg leave to differ on this point, finding her possessed of a rare beauty, but she's not flattered by the single flash-on-camera lighting which slams her shadow on to the background right behind her. 3. It might almost be a poor-quality medical record shot, given the girl's apprehensive expression, but a medical photographer would have taken her top off altogether rather than tucking the straps under her arms. 4. The killer, this one, she is supporting her breasts with her hands, way down here somewhere. The hands are visible, but only just. A challenge indeed for a morph artist, and the final nail in the coffin of the arguments that this is a fake. Now, if we held this discussion on alt.sex.breast, we wouldn't be allowed to express this viewpoint without being howled down by the disbelievers. How dare you, they would bleat, all you care about is presenting women's breasts as objects of desire, the bigger the better, blah, blah, blah! Ye Gods! The story has a happy ending. Here is the person who scanned the photo in the first place! "I scanned the original image and posted to Anthony Cotto's FTP site. This photo, except for the lower right quadrant and upper right corner, is a true and accurate representation of this woman. The lower right quadrant has been morphed to equalize the size of her breasts and the upper right corner was added to fill in empty white space. "This photo was in a magazine article in the U.S. about 2 years ago. This woman was a 34B before she became pregnant and ballooned... [don't use that word, you'll get people all excited] ...to her present size in 4 months. There were three pictures in the article. One is a "before" shot, one is the woman holding her newborn son and one is the photo I scanned. The same photos were published in Hustler magazines news section. This is where I scanned the photo. I have since scanned the image in color but have not had the time to do anything with it yet. It seems she's as real as they get. There is no BIGGIRLB,C etc... The A was to differentiate the image from the original scan "BIGGIRL" which had greatly unequal breast size. You can see how much the right corner was altered by comparing the sizes of her hands. the hand on the right side is about 1.25 times as long as the left side hand." As a news article said at the time: "New mom Isabelle Lanthier figured her boobs would get a little bigger when she got pregnant - but she never dreamed she'd balloon from 34 inches to an eye-popping 52 in just 5 months! "In fact, by the time she gave birth, each of her breasts weighed a whopping 15 pounds - three times the size of her newborn son Michel! "'Gals often think it'd be great to have big boobs, but I learned the hard way that they're a tortuous load,' says Isabella, 20, a cashier. "'It was a living nightmare. Every day, my breasts got bigger and bigger. They literally grew as big as watermelons right in front of my eyes.' "'The pain was excruciating. Each breast felt like it weighed a ton. I couldn't sleep at night, because if I turned sideways I'd end up putting weight on them and the pain would wake me up.' Isabelle was three months pregnant when her boobs went bananas in a non-stop growth spurt. 'My doctor, Dr. George Haber, told me he thought it was caused by a hormone imbalance', says Isabelle, a petite 5ft 2in. beauty from Montreal. "'He also told me there was nothing we could do until the baby was born. He was afraid we'd hurt the baby.' And folks sure hurt her feelings by treating her like a freak. "'People were really insensitive when they saw me on the street. I got dozens of obscene phone calls from twisted sickos at all hours of the day and night', she says. "Isabella undergoes surgery next month to bring her breasts back to normal [sic] size." [If any twisted sickos don't have this picture, and you don't have the means of downloading it, please ask nicely and you shall have it. Another scan arrived later, in colour, from a very similar shot, although apparently flopped left-to-right, in which the difference in size between Isabelle's breasts is clearly shown. She is also supporting them higher up, at around waist level.] --------------------------------------------------------------------- TINA SMALL AND OTHER DELIGHTS We have had some correspondence recently with a reader who is compiling a Tina Small FAQ. For those who have led a sheltered life, Tina was an English model of the 80's. In fact, to be precise, of the 84's. Tina had a 51-inch bust at thirteen, and had reached 81 inches when she first appeared in photographs. She modelled for only one man, her photographer, John Xavier, who sold early pictures of Tina under the name of Photoprints in the South of England. Many of these photographs appeared in a book published in conjunction with FLING magazine, called "Every Inch A Lady". These days, he'd never get away with that title; it would have to be "Every 25.4mm ..." Later, after the appearance of Tina's breasts had undergone a fairly dramatic change, Xavier published her life story, "Big Girls Don't Cry", and brought out the first of a series of somewhat pretentious video productions featuring Tina, among others. After a brief flurry of appearances in the British tabloid press, Tina (84-22-34) appears to have retired. May she live to be a hundred. Our reader hopes to make the Tina Small FAQ readily available, perhaps on the Acotto site. More news when we have it. --------------------------------------------------------------------- IT'S NOT EVERYBODY'S CUP OF TEA, BUT ... Yet another reader (you wouldn't want our phone bills) would like to make it known that he is seeking to gather evidence of genuine instances of the condition shared by Tina Small, Ting Jiafen, and possibly our friend Big Girl A! A posting on the newsgroups has produced a number of enquiries from the kind of people who use the word "cool" rather too often, asking for details to be passed on to them. What he is looking for are medical pictures, articles, magazine features and so forth, describing this type of hypertrophy which seems to go by a number of different names. Can anyone come up with anything helpful? We know you're not the people who go around saying "cool", so we don't NEED to request "no meee-tooos". You know that if we come up with any information, we will do our best to put it into a readable form and publish it. --------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW BIG IS YOUR BIGGEST? We asked last month for the story of the biggest breasts you'd ever seen in the flesh. You're a shy lot, really, not at all what one would expect. So here's a little prod in the right direction. "She walked into the bar from outside, escorted by two young men, college students, as no doubt she was, too. She was wearing a skirt and one of those lightweight zipper jackets, sort of blouse-shaped, gathered at the waist with elastic. This was a little unusual, because it was a warm day. "Naturally - the way you do - I had taken a look at her bosom, and thought, 'not bad, not bad at all!' Not very politically correct, but what the hell, the girl had a gorgeous pair of D-cups, why not appreciate them. "And she'd broken her arm. It was in a sling beneath her jacket. And I remember thinking, 'that must be uncomfortable in this warm weather, an arm in a plaster cast'. It was only when she was halfway through the door that a flaw became evident in my assessment. If she had a broken arm in a sling inside her jacket, why did she also have two perfectly unbroken arms by her sides? "Good point, kid. Well spotted. You've guessed, of course. You are two jumps ahead, or two bumps ahead. What I had taken to be a broken arm in a plaster cast and a sling was, in fact, her breasts, supported in a bra down at waist level. And what had looked like a nice pair of D-cups was just the amount of breast OVERFLOWING her bra at the top of each overloaded cup. "The boys bought her a drink and she stood just there, sipping it for a few minutes before they wandered off to find a table. Close enough to reach out and touch, not that one would, of course. Standing there, and fully without thinking, she was performing little exercises, raising her foot behind her, grasping the ankle and stretching her muscles. The sort of thing sportspeople do when they're warming up. The load on her back muscles must have been enormous. She was a slender little thing, only about 100 pounds or so. Plus a bit hanging round her neck. "That's the biggest I've ever seen. Only once, too. Never again. No good going back to that pub to take another look, it was years ago, and she'll have had a reduction operation for sure. And I bet neither of those two boys who were escorting her appreciated her unique appeal. "Nice kid, if only she didn't have such whopping great boobs!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN? Another in the series "HOW BIG WAS YOUR BIGGEST?" "When I was at college I had a free afternoon and strolled down town to the shopping mall. I got on to a down escalator and found myself behind a youngish lady. From behind I could see she was dressed in jeans and a denim top. I thought nothing more about the woman until she reached the lower level, a bookstore, and turned left. I was immediately gob-smacked, as I took in the profile of her huge mound nestling down at the top of her slender thighs. "'That's no pregnancy', I thought, as I was drawn in to following her around the store. I hadn't even seen her face fully as yet but as she slowly moved from stand to stand it dawned on me that she was carrying a massive pair of breasts. "The denim top was a vast affair; it sloped down over her bust and the lowest button ended just short of her knees. From behind there was no tell tale sign of bra straps and clasps etc, but when she eventually started moving in my direction there was a quite visible indentation, almost a cleavage around her hips. "Let me explain. It was just something that seemed to suggest that these were indeed her breasts, rather than a pregnancy bump. Nothing blatant, just a subtle curve of her demin shirt. She didn't dress to show off to the world that she had big tits. Rather, she dropped a gentle hint. It was as if she was saying, 'most ordinary people wouldn't even give me a second glance; certainly only a few could possibly realise that these are giant breasts.' "Those things must have been supported, although the mind boggles as to how it was done. There was no noticable swing of her breasts, but much of that must have been because of the well rehearsed, deliberate movements she made as she walked. "Unfortunately this woman was not the most attractive facially, but 'fuck that', I thought, 'she's got tits to die for'. I reckoned her to be in her mid thirties, with mousy mid-length hair, no make-up, and she stood about 5'6". Her hips were quite narrow, and so were her shoulders. "My hard on was giving me some grief, and my open-mouthed staring was becoming obvious. I continued moving around the store, careful to keep her in my sights all the time. As I moved closer to her, she turned from stooping down to a lower shelf and gave me the dirtiest look I think I have experienced in all my life. My attention towards her had not gone unnoticed. I thought that I must bale out of this situation sharply before things became a tad ugly. "I moved upstairs to a burger bar that had the up escalator in sight and waited for her to exit. 'just one last look', I thought, but that was the last I ever saw of her." Perhaps that item ought to have been titled "Have you seen this man?" 8?p --------------------------------------------------------------------- MORE INFLATIONARY TENDENCIES Yet another True Story from a Dutch reader in our series "101 FUN THINGS TO DO WITH BALLOONS" "I really like the stories in your magazine, your idea about giving your girlfriend fake breasts by letting her wear water-filled balloons was eh....a deja-vu! ;-) because my girlfriend did just that! One night we were at home and a bit drunk. We were talking about all these porn-stars with giant silicone implants and she was wondering how it felt to have such huge tits. Anyway, I had some big balloons from a party, and they were really big even when they were deflated. So we filled the things up with warm water and they became bigger than beach-balls. And heavy too! "Together we picked up one balloon and laid it on the bed, then we did the same with the other one. My girlfriend lay down and I rolled the balloons on to her chest. Now we had to make sure that they stayed there. So we found a blanket (we had no t-shirts able to support such a giant mass) and eh, we made some sort of custom- made bra of it. "The sight was tremendous! She stood up and all I could see was these balloons! The balloons were covering her body - only the upper part of her legs and her neck were visible. I was pretty impressed. But then, the bra snapped and the two balloons fell on the floor! SPLATS! The balloons burst and all the water came out. I don't know how much water there was in those balloons, but it must have been a lot! It took me three days to dry out the room. "Warning! If you're planning to do this, do it in the bathroom. Preferably someone else's. "Still, it was quite fun." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A note from our mathematical consultant. (Not the same one who worked out that there are 3,625,000 SuperBusts in the United Kingdom) Assume the young lady in the story wore a pair of balloons of 30cm (1 foot) diameter, they would have contained 10.6litres of water, weighing approximately 10.6kg, about the same as Ting Jiafen, above. Our drunken reader and his girlfriend, brimming with genever and pils with the froth scraped off, seem to remember that the balloons were rather larger, like a couple of feet. These would have weighed something like 85kg (187 pounds) each. Even allowing for the fact that drunk guys (and Dutch girls with those marvellously muscular hockey-players' legs) have the strength of ten men, that explains why it took the two of them to lift each balloon on to the bed. And why that bra broke. --------------------------------------------------------------------- DON'T START ANYTHING YOU CAN'T FINISH? A Writer's Dilemma - Help Him Solve It. "I've been having trouble finishing stories that I begin, so I've decided that any future story ideas I come up with, I'll share with the rest of the group so other authors can take a crack at them. Instead of starting new stories that I'll probably never finish, I'm going to just stick to one I've been working on for a while and let everyone else tackle the other ideas. The plot I'm including in this message is one I came up with last week. Please share it with the rest of the group" Wren --------------------------------------------------------------------- PLOT #1: The Jodie Experiment This is one of those cases in which the solution becomes a bigger nuisance than the problem it was meant to solve. Jodie is a researcher in the laboratory division of one of those companies that sells diet products...you know, those gritty chocolate shakes that keep you on the toilet all day. Anyway, she's trying to come up with an idea for a new approach to fat loss. BTW, she's not fat at all herself. Well, except maybe in her chest. She was a late bloomer, but in her last year of college she suddenly started suffering from gigantomastia and her breasts, which only now have finally begun to slow in growth, are simply enormous. Fortunately, her college work was impressive enough that she got a high enough position at this company to have an assistant, Manx, working for her. The assistant did most of the hands on work since Jodie had trouble with her breasts getting in the way of the equipment. Recently, Jodie was watching a PBS special that mentioned how researchers used specially bread insects to eat garden pests. This gave Jodie an idea for her research. What if she could genetically alter a microbe so that it ate broke down fat cells? So she gets to work and soon comes up with something she thinks will work. She tries it out on an obese lab rat and sure enough within a few hours the rat is thin. That day, before she leaves the lab, she decides to try using the microbes to reduce the size of her breasts. When she wakes up the next day, her breasts are much smaller. She decides to call in sick and goes shopping for new bras. As the day progresses, however, her breasts begin to swell to their original size and become even a little bigger than she was before. She calls the lab, but there's no answer. She checks her answering machine from the mall, and Manx has left a message saying that the rat is retaining water and is bloated beyond its original size. Jodie realizes that although she's been drinking large amounts of water all day, she hasn't gone to the bathroom, and hasn't been sweating at all. She drives to the lab and informs her assistant of what she did. As she and the rat continue to grow, her assistant discovers that when the microbes aren't feeding on fat, they go into a reproduction phase that requires tremendous amounts of water. After a large feast of fat, the microbes will keep multiplying and demanding more and more water. Manx advises Jodie to stay at the lab in a small room set up for sleeping after late night research. Manx continues to observe the rat until it grows so large it fills up its cage. She starts to remove it but realizes its condition has stabilized. She decides to let Jodie's breasts fill up the small room she is in until her condition stabilizes. Meanwhile she gets to work on a new microbe that will break down the microbes currently in her system. She uses the microbes on the rat and it seems to work. They break down the previous microbes and release the water into the body. Manx pricks the rat to release the water, but it pops like a water balloon. She surmises that it that would not happen to Jodie. The microbes would release their water into her breasts, where it could then be drained through her nipples. And that is exactly what happens. Jodie's breasts are still larger than before, but the situation seems to be over. It turns out, however, that these new microbes store oxygen ... --------------------------------------------------------------------- There you are, then. Something to occupy the fertile mind during the winter evenings. To tell the truth, we'd have had a crack at this one (we really fancied this Jodie), but we couldn't handle a character called Manx. Presumably, she didn't have a tail. --------------------------------------------------------------------- There's NO Story of the Month this time, because of the Holiday Season. Somebody like to have a go at Jodie, maybe? Meanwhile, Happy New Year again, and see ya later... Al - Some Sort of Dog