Research and Development by Some Sort of Dog Issue 2 of the newsletter RESEARCH and DEVELOPMENT - Number Two ==================================== Welcome to the second monthly edition of the Learned Journal of the Worshipful Society of Breast Enlargers. Issue Number One (called What Are We Going To Call It?) sparked off some stimulating discussion on the vexed question of bursting brassieres. All we are missing are hard facts. Ladies...? C'mon, we know you're out there. OF COURSE, YOU MIGHT NOT BE LADIES Or, should one say, you might not be female. It gets confusing, sometimes, some addresses you can't tell what gender their owners are. Gspot, for instance. We had cause to respond rudely to a posting in alt.sex.tits this month, from a woman who felt it necessary to ask the entire civilised world how best she could turn on her husband. Poor girl was trying to do it with breasts the size of cantaloupes (although she didn't spell it like that). Okay, my reply basically asked if he was totally DEAF, or just hard of HEARING. (She'd typed the whole thing in capitals). The unfortunate woman, as if it's not enough that she can't get her husband to take any interest in her melons, she has to use a Dragon 32 to type her mail. We received a reply. Not from her, but from a Compuserve User. And he wants me to describe my ass (or arse) and my lips. Well, he might be disappointed, but... THE WRITING SEASON? A glance at Acotto's Place, for those with the time and fortitude to access it, shows a rash of new images from people trying out their new morphing software, while round the corner, under 'Stories', there were no fewer than seven new short stories. Enough to make you come over all unnecessary, as Granny used to say. Two were the unpublished finalists in Dr Enlarge's Pound of Flesh Contest, but four of the other five apparently hadn't appeared before: ALANA by She-Devil - (4,230 words) is the tale of hirsute lips:- a man, something on Wall Street, who refused to shave off his moustache for his girlfriend. She takes her revenge on him. BOOBYLON 5, an adult story by Tekka Maki - (2,250 words) is billed as containing graphic descriptions of sex between consenting adults of various sentient species. It describes the effects of powdered vetna leaves on a young lady called Ivanova. THE BIGGEST TITS IN THE WORLD, by Captain Kirk - (1,580 words) has rather killed the goose with that title. From now on, even Amanda Quinteros will have to yield first place. This is the Read The F****** Instructions Story again. In NORA'S NIGHTMARE - (1,850 words) a girl watches 'Nightmare on Elm Street' and later, in her dreams, meets Freddie from the film. This is a cautionary tale. The message: lay off the cheese at bedtime. STAR STORY - (9,200 words) originally appeared on the Amazons BBS. It takes place in the future, yet the female characters are still capable of such undying prose as, "Oohhh, my cunt's on fire! I need your cum to put it out!" She moaned loudly. "Give me your hot cum!" The man, unfortunately, does not say, "Ooooh, I love it when you talk dirty!" And all the time, the tits get bigger and bigger. Enjoy. MEANWHILE... Having completed Sex Slaves of East Longshott Down (14 weekly Parts), Some Sort of Dog has returned to St Catherines' High School for Girls for the latest news of Chauntaille Gruntworthy (but don't call her that), and her friends. Any artists fancy a bash at illustrating a scene involving twenty-two busty young (field) hockey players wrestling naked in a mud-bath lesbian orgy, cheered on by their dildo-wielding gym-teachers? In that case, how about the visit of the Junior ex-Drama Group to the local dairy? Or the Junior ex-Drama Group's very own dairy? Available now from a modem near you. AND THERE'S MORE! >From a writer we've not met before, a sizeable first offering, 'Retribution', which is now on Acotto's Place. It was followed by another, 'The Suit', and a couple more short stories which may or may not have come from the same source. Unfortunately, we don't know whether they did or not. AND ANOTHER ONE >From a reader who would like, for the time being, to hide his light under a bushel, a whole bunch of story outlines with the promise (or was it a threat?) of more to follow. Yes, please, we said, and could we see the complete stories as well? POETS' DAY Never been much of a one for poetry, personally. It tends to be written by women. That's not a reason for not liking it, it's just an observation. What sparked this off? A poem on a couple of the newsgroups, called Sexy Poem: 'Ode To A New Car Shoulder Belt' [breast, lactation, pregnancy, f - it goes without saying ] It turned out to be one of those modern poems where all the lines were different lengths: 'There was a young man from Japan Whose poetry didn't quite scan When told this was so He said, Yes I know But I always do believe in trying to cram as many words into the last line as ever I possibly actually can.' (No, that wasn't it.) It also seemed to be written from the point of view of a seat belt, which is a new twist. Step forward, the rest of you shy auto components, lets' hear it from the heated driver's seat, the hydraulic jack, the vanity mirror, the self-levelling suspension and, for the inflation fanatics, the passenger's side air-bag (optional extra). PICTURES They keep on appearing, these morphing jobs on already well- developed women. Good to see BustArtist is in on the act, with the usual high standard, it goes without saying. He signs his work as well, good and big, which should prevent copyright abuse, if not self-abuse. We have a reader who would like to see a particular chubette enlarged, and also placed against a different background. If I remember right, even a humble application like Picture Publisher LE can cut round an irregular figure and drop her on top of a shot of the Taj Mahal by moonlight, so that part of the operation ought to be quick and painless. Does anyone have any ideas about the feasibility of the rest of the job? WHADDYA WANT TO SEE? (A reader gets down to specifics...) OK...I haven't written BE stories, but perhaps I can write about the kinds of things I like in them! 'I like details. Details add verisimilitude, and help me visualize. Show me the breast enlargee trying to wedge her bosom through the doorway; tell me how her breasts rub against her date from across the restaurant table, or the details of cutting a hot air balloon in half to make pasties so that she's at least somewhat presentable for the evening news or talk shows, or how to make a bra from two Goodyear blimps. I want to read about the sides of the Pregnant Guppy bulging as she is loaded up to be flown to the Mayo Clinic for study.' R&D Replies... Thank you, sir. Writers will have noted these points for inclusion in future stories. Only one thing is a little worrying. If the young lady's breasts rub against her date from across the restaurant table, won't it make rather a mess of the Baked Alaska? THANKS to those readers who replied to our query last month about Soleil Moon Frye. The lady cropped up again in alt.sex.tits a couple of weeks back. Apparently she appeared on a broadcast show trying on a: [quote] <> bra, and it didn't fit. [unquote] Wowee, cool! ... was it too large, or too small? The only trouble was, it was on radio. But of course, the pictures are always better on radio. THOUGHT FOR THE MONTH To writers. Not those who contribute to R&D, but some of the others whose work you see about the place. Spelling. It is fashionable these days to claim that spelling is irrelevant, and that it is more important to communicate than to be able to spell correctly. This sounds typical of those trendy so- called teachers who are making such an excellent job of educating our children. "We got where we are without being able to spell, so your kids ought to have the same opportunity. Spelling is an irrelevance: a mundane skill... Blah, blah, blah!" BOLLOX. Most people know when a word 'doesn't quite look right'. It is no hardship to look it up and correct it. We suggest that most of these writers CAN'T BE BOTHERED to check their work after they've typed it. The attitude seems to be that anything is good enough for the public. We would suggest that posting or publishing a sloppy, misspelt story is the writing equivalent of withdrawing after sex, wiping it on your partner's nightie, rolling over, farting and going instantly to sleep. Oh, that's what you do, already? In that case, sorry! THIS MONTH'S STORY Is called Watermelons and comes with apologies to Billy S. Sorry, Billy. >From SEE YA NEXT MONTH